I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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