Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
