apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
