Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
