I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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