Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Can I color on your dick again?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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