I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize