Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
