Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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