i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
