oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My hand turned me down
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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