she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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