Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
