I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize