so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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