I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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