life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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