you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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