my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When are your genitals available?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
