I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
