I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
