i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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