just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Actions speak louder than pants.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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