she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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