life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize