my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We smell like vodka and hangover
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