If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
