i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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