I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
