I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
