i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I met the friendliest cop last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
