I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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