the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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