I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
