He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
