This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
