Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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