why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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