Someone shit on the floor
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
