we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
