I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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