if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
