I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
