are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
