Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
