Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
