I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
