I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
