so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
