By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize