The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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