my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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