what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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