What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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