Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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