today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
