Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
