Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
