Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
