He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
