you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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